How and Why Pain Shows Up In Our Life

As a professional health coach that works with people to alleviate their chronic pain, I’ve come to be somewhat well-versed on the basics of pain neuroscience. The first thing we have to understand about all pain is that it is there for a very specific reason: to keep us safe. Many people I work with start their journey with the idea that there is something wrong with them internally that is triggering the pain they feel (example: I have a bulging disc, which is why I hurt). The truth is that the story of why we develop our pain is much more nuanced. However, since it originates in the brain, the pain we feel really comes down to whether or not the brain perceives a threat or risk to injury, NOT whether or not the body is in fact damaged. If the brain feels that there is a risk it needs to protect us from, it will send a pain signal so that we alter our behavior in order to avoid said risk.

The problem that occurs with chronic pain is that our brain is perceiving a threat to the body that isn’t necessarily present. This can happen for many reasons such as when we move in a way similar to a movement that led to injury in the past. So, even if we are nowhere near harming ourselves, we can feel very real pain the same as if we were. This buffer between feeling pain and injury gets even larger as we compensate our movement in response to the pain we feel, thus validating that the brain did its job in protecting us (albeit from false perception).

I don’t have any data other than anecdotes to back this up but it seems like we can take this info to draw some parallels to how pain functions for emotionally. When we are hurt throughout our life, our brain makes note of how we got hurt and reminds us of the pain when it feels we are in similar relationships. For instance, if you had someone cheat on you in the past and it broke your heart, you might see this show up in new relationships with you feeling suspicious and insecure if your partner doesn’t communicate his whereabouts well.

These triggers can be more abstract, too, often drawing from childhood. Speaking from personal experience, my mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer when I was just 3 years old. She fought that disease for 15 years until it took her life shortly after my 18th birthday. It wasn’t until I was 29 that I really started to understand how growing up with a terminally ill parent has affected me. I developed fear of abandonment because, while my mom was so amazing and loved me so well, I knew she could be out of my life at any moment. We had a rule of positivity because my mom believed that words create worlds. We couldn’t talk about mom dying because “mom will get better.” So, there was never really space for me to process my very real, very valid fears of losing her. Rather I suppressed it and almost felt guilty when I would let my mind go there. The narrative my conscious brain said was “this isn’t a big deal. I had a great upbringing and it’s not like my mom chose to be sick.” But, what my deeper narrative was saying was “my mom is my rock, and I don’t want to burden her with my fears, but I’m terrified to lose her.”

I didn’t realize that unconscious dialogue until I saw it manifest itself in ways in other relationships long after my mom had passed. I would ask boyfriends to “tell me you love me and you’ll never leave me.” I would play out potential future situations in my head to try and gain some level of certainty in my life. Without me even realizing it, I was being reminded of my pain as my mind and body’s way to protect me from having to go through that heartache again.

With all the hurt that comes with life, we can imagine how as we age these pain points become abundant both physically and emotionally. The good news is our brains have neuroplasticity which means they can be reprogrammed. Once we have awareness around why we feel the pain we do and what purpose it causes we no longer have to succumb to it OR wage war against it. We can thank ourselves for trying to protect us but gently remind ourselves that we no longer need protection in this area because we’re safe now.

Physically, this looks like challenging yourself with gentle movement that targets the body part that bothers you. This will allow your brain to make new associations with movements as healthy, rather than dangerous. Then, when you move similarly in every day life, you’re brain will default to the new association, not perceive a risk, and not send you that pain signal. Emotionally, it’s the same thing. We have to cultivate a feeling of safety in order for us to live healthily. For me that looked like validating why that pain was created in the first place. I was ill equipped as a child to handle such big adult issues. I coped the best I could, and for that I’m compassionate to myself. I also no that I no longer need those coping mechanisms to be safe anymore so I can release them. My brain is getting healing from triggers so that I can engage in my relationships in a healthy way moving forward.

If you want support as you navigate your own journey of healing from pain, please contact me. I’d love to be your coach and partner with you on your own unique journey towards holistic health.